the little things DO MATTER
When I picked up blogging again, I wanted to connect it to my new project- Stories of Hope with Dr Gia and provide some insight, information, stories and examples that help contextualize so many of our experiences, foster hope and empower my readers. One of the off shoots of this was my idea of Being the Hope. Where I do not just talk about hope, but I actually give you tangible and practical options for fostering and faciliting hope in your own space.
It has been awhile. I've been on an unintentional hiatus...sabbatical. But like sabbaticals, mine was very productive and I'm back and even more committed to the various outlets.
When I picked up blogging again, I wanted to connect it to my new project- Stories of Hope with Dr Gia and provide some insight, information, stories and examples that help contextualize so many of our experiences, foster hope and empower my readers. One of the off shoots of this was my idea of Being the Hope. Where I do not just talk about hope, but I actually give you tangible and practical options for fostering and faciliting hope in your own space.
From this emerged some more ideas...which I am excited to talk about and will officially introduce next week- but today, I want to share about another area of life where I have the opportunity to "be the hope".
I’ve been participating in denim day for breast cancer awareness since high school in the mid-90’s. It was what I did because I was asked and never really thought much of it. As an adult, I also adopted the wear pink on Fridays in October, again… because I was asked.
I will be honest, I don’t think I thought much of anything beyond I knew it was Breast Cancer awareness month and I wanted to be supportive. It wasn’t asking for much, right.
This year, I personally know 4 people who are in the midst of the fight. Like not just a friend of a friend…or the church member who you only know by face, but actually know these women. And I get a message from one asking me to wear pink on Fridays. I should note that she was one who I was always in pink with every Friday for probably 6 years a couple years back when we worked together. I’m not sure her stance on it all those years, but I know for sure, I never imagined that there would be two from amongst us… about 20 years in age a part who find themselves facing the same battle.
For this friend, the pink not only is for awareness or the trend, it represents hope. And for her and the 3 others, I will wear (and have been wearing) pink. I wear it for every women (and man) that may have to face this diagnosis today, tomorrow or further in the future. This is one way... in October where I can join in with others and bring hope.
My other opportunity is what I wanted to share, so you can share with someone that may benefit. That is that I get to share what I do best... which is speak, teach, encourage and empower others while they journey with a loved one through cancer.
On Friday, October 27th, I will join others to share encouragement, tips and support for the amazing people who have spent some time supporting their loved ones battle cancer.
I will be sharing on "Are you wearing your mask" which will speak to the caretaker's responsibility to take care of themselves through their service as an important way to be impactful to their loved one. If you know someone in this role, encourage the outing that is catering specifically to them. If you are in this position, full-time or part-time, please.. join us.
Looking forward for the cure is one thing, but real life, tangible support is also impactful for fostering hope in the dark days of the cancer journey/battle.
This is me using what I have, what do you have to give? #bethehope
Grace, peace, and love,
Dr Gia
#BeTheHope: SHAME
There are of course instances where the judgment is intentional, but that’s another story. Either way, this post is to bring awareness as to how we can minimize how we perpetuate this issue in the lives of those we care about and interact with daily.
This past month of August, we focused on the idea of shame and its role in our lives. The goal was to bring awareness about it and then to bring hope so you can, not only identify how shame is functioning in your life but also, how you can overcome it. Shame does not define you.
Many times the function of shame in our life is significantly impacted by the responses of others who bring judgments by many times, inconsiderate responses to our experiences. There are of course instances where the judgment is intentional, but that’s another story. Either way, this post is to bring awareness as to how we can minimize how we perpetuate this issue in the lives of those we care about and interact with daily.
How to be the hope?
1. Be aware that you will never fully understand any situation. There are always too many other variables that you will not have access to, so my default is that if you cannot fully understand a predicament, then you have no position to judge.
No clauses. Do not judge. Your judgment inflicts an unnecessary value or diminishes the value of another. Just don’t do it.
2. Understand that correction does not require judgment. This is the equivalent to the parent who punishes to hurt or inflict pain on the child and the parent who employs both punishment and reinforcement techniques to decrease negative behavior and increase appropriate behavior, respectively. You want to be the latter if you are in a position of authority in some capacity. Facilitate the process of correction IN LOVE, and be careful that your responses, attitudes and actions are not to punish so you can avoid damaging the person’s identity
3. Understand that breaking a moral code, a rule or some other social boundary does not devalue your role as a person. It also does not devalue the humanness of another person. The action (or inaction) was a choice, whether “right” or “wrong”, rest assured, there are natural consequences for every decision. It’s the law of life and oftentimes, the natural consequence is usually punishment enough. This is even in instances where the person may seem like they have “gotten away”.
This leads me to my other point…
4. Put down your “god pin”. Yep, you know the one that gives you authority to look down upon the sins and trespasses of others. It’s not cute. And honestly, for those of us who are a little more self-aware, we realize that the main purpose this serves is to make us feel better about ourselves. #shady Find your value without devaluing someone else.
FINALLY and most importantly…
5. Find a way to validate someone regularly and especially when they may have made a decision that is less than ideal or one that you may disagree with. That’s the best of “being the hope”… to offer life, in word or action, especially when you may be less inclined to. Usually that’s when it matters the most.
here are probably more that I can think of that may be more specific to experiences but I think this is a good place. As we are in September, our next focus will be on rejection. It’s the sister and principle instigator of shame. If you are interested, check out Epic Church Bahamas on Sunday where I will be teaching in our Rejection series at 10 am.
Grace, peace and love,
Dr Gia
SHAME, SHAME, SHAME
What shame does is silences you. It takes away your voice and your action. In many ways, there is a proverbial shrinking for in the diminutive, you are less noticeable. Shame says you are less than. Not worthy. A failure. Rejected.
Now shame originates from a feeling. And this feeling isn't bad in and of itself, there is actually a place in the spectrum of emotions and life. In a healthy perspective, its function, is to highlight that a moral (or personal) code has been breeched and subsequently, remorse, sorrow, regret is experienced... and where applicable penitence is sought. Ideally, the guilt and ruefulness felt should function almost as a "lesson learnt".
This happened... or I did this and it did not align with my personal or moral guidelines, so I will make efforts to refrain in future instances.
However, in many instances, rather than a fleeting emotion...what occurs is another assault to one's identity. Have enough instances where shame is experienced, with subsequent negative feedback and ostracisation from others and it becomes what I call a characteristic. It becomes more stable and defining. The worse instances of shame are those where the proverbial "breech" is to a standard that is not held by the person being demoralized. Or the standard was not understood or known. Most popular example is in the instances of shaming in childhood where children barely understand many actions that they are coerced into or experiment with at the hand of a trusted person.
Shame, unfortunately, becomes a lifestyle and dare I say... shame begets shame. In my interview with Simmone (see below), she talks about always needing validation, approval, permission from others. This is often a direct consequence of shame, as you internalize that your own decisions, thoughts, or opinions are not valuable or credible. It is unhealthy and a direct asault to healthy esteem.
If this is ringing true to you in even the smallest way... it means there are some instances where you have taken on shame as a part of your identity. This post is not to add to that guilt or remorse, but to tell you that you are not alone. it has happened to many of us and the most effective first step, although not easy, is to acknowledge that it has a role in your life. As Dr. Brene Brown would say... "own it".
I will leave you here to chew on this for a bit. Until next time, take a listen to Part 2 of Simmone's story of hope through shame.
The Scarlet "S"
I think the best definition of shame that "brought it home" for me, was from Dr McGee in his (what I call) landmark book, Search for Significance. If you haven't read it before, stop reading this, go find it and then come back.
Anyhoo, Dr McGee defines shame as "I am what I am. I cannot change". Think about that... and think about areas or the times where you feel (felt) ashamed. It is generally like this, something happened, whether to you or by your choice, then the activity/event/experience itself was negative or the consequence of the experience is negative. More than just humiliation, embarrasment, guilt, icky feelings... in some instances or in some people "shame" gives it a label, and by this label, you are now characterized. Then you internalize this label or characterization and somewhere in there, not only accept this label as true, but hold it and subsequently allowing this characterization to become a permanent part of your identity.
Although the scenario I described above is generic, for whatever reason, not every negative experience, and not every instance of feeling ashamed will result in this process. I think there may be some personalities that may lend itself to embracing shame as well as some type of behaviours that are more shame-worthy. Sadly, if you are a Christian, some "sins" carry greater degradation more than others.
While I will be the first to say, I am not an expert in shame...I humbly "bow" to the amazing Dr Brene Brown for being the Shame guru, I have found shame to tag along closely with rejection and become twin killers of community. And for this reason, I have become a bit more acquainted with it as a "thing".
You see, the person who walks in shame will have a hard time accepting himself/herself and thus will be not very open to authentic connections. The person who walks in shame, has very little value for himself/herself and to that end, may not see the need for relationships. The person who walks in shame may fear relationships, for fear of being "found out". It is always easier for shame to sit in a corner.
Ultimately, hope suffocates in shame. After all, it is who I am, right? This is what I have and there is no need to look forward, to push or to aspire for something more.
This month, I will be journeying through shame, and it began last week with part 1 of my webisode on Stories of Hope with Simmone. as she shares her story of hope through shame. You can view it below. If you haven't already, go to youtube and subscribe so you can get the notification of when Part 2 is released.
race, peace and love,
Dr Gia
