Breaking Cycles: my habits (part 4)
Week 4! we made it.
In case you are new to this series, we #digdeeper and explore the thoughts, beliefs, language and behaviors that keep us stuck in cycles.
We first identified the cycle we want to break, and then identified who we want to be (rather than focusing on what we don't want). Now that the goal was set, we then took a look inward, identifying unhealthy beliefs, thoughts and self talk that were undermining our efforts to move toward the desired behavior. Last week, we adopted new language and began making declarations over ourselves and the situations that were positive and enabling (vs negative and disabling declarations).
Finally, this week we will look closely at the unhealthy coping behaviors and habits with a goal to identify new, healthier ways of behaving.
Adopting new behavior is hard -in part because of those belief systems, the language and self talk that support the beliefs and also because of the actual behaviors that have become our way of living, our comfort zone. Habits.
I've highlighted three major areas for you to examine: people, places and things. An easy way to populate this list...ask yourself what triggers you, causing you setbacks on your movement toward the desired goals? This list is important because our behaviors, habits...coping is usually in response to these things.
People (who are regulars in your life)
Are there certain people associated with the habit you want to break? For example, you only do this or are more likely to do this when you are with a person or certain group. If yes, then consider distancing yourself in meaningful ways.
Places (you often visit or spend extended periods of time at)
Do you find yourself longing for the thing you’ve given up when you’re in certain environments? Again, to break the cycle, you’re going to need to be intentional about spending too much, if any time in these spaces.
Things (you do or possess)
What else triggers you to return to the behaviors you
are looking to change? Types of TV shows, music,etc
Once you've made that list, now consider how you can be intentional about minimizing interactions with the people or visits to these places. In some instances, this is easy, but there are some scenarios where this is harder. The other side of this coin is not just cutting out these people, places and things but also to identify the replacements. Without replacements, you run the risk of reverting to the same people, places and things that are unhealthy.
If you find you are getting stuck with how to move forward with new behaviors, this may be a great point to identify a mental health professional to help support your journey (if you haven't already). #drgiasays #Jesusplustherapy #intentionalliving #cbt #innerhealing
Breaking Cycles: my declarations (part 3)
I believe there is power in my voice. So once I have identified limiting thoughts, beliefs and unhealthy self talk, I usually challenge myself to speak what I want to see.
In the first two weeks, we did some digging and considered both our thoughts and self talk. You should have lists now in that journal, with a goal(s) in mind that we are working toward.
Now that you have identified all that is going on in your head, it's time to address what we say and do. This week we focus on positive declarations.
In your journal, for every limiting thought and negative self talk, you are to put a line through it and next to it, over it, under it....wherever. Make the space and put an affirmation next to it. Here are some examples:
That’s too hard
*I can do hard things
I can’t
*I am capable
That’s really not for me
*I have capacity to grow and expand my skill set
I've never done something like this
*I am equipped
My entire family does it this way.
*I want different for my life and that's okay!
What does it even matter?
*There are people whose destinies are impacted by my actions.
Fun fact! the brain makes new neurons (neurogenesis) which means there are opportunities for new pathways to be made, between existing neurons and new ones. Go ahead and shift your thinking starting with the changes in your declarations. 🗣 Say it until you create and strengthen the neural pathways, i.e. until you believe it! Because we have the power to declare a thing and it shall be established (Job 22:28 ) #drgiasays #Jesusplustherapy #intentionalliving #brainplasticity #renewedmind #cyclebreaker
Breaking Cycles: my self talk (part 2)
If you missed last week, please scroll down for the two posts and review.
It is time for your journal again!
recap:
Step 1: identify the thing (behavior, thought pattern) that you find yourself struggling with. What personal cycle do you want to break!
Step 2: reframe that "thing" from Step 1 into a goal. That is, what do you want to see, experience and do in your life? E.g. instead of withdrawing and becoming timid when faced with uncomfortable circumstances, I want to be assertive and use my voice.
Step 3: the inner work. You should have identified the negative and limiting thoughts and beliefs that kept you in the undesirable cycles.
Now, in this installment, Step 4 essentially is to continue to explore how an unhealthy core belief is manifesting in our self talk.
Self Talk by definition refers to our internal conversations. Yes, whether you admit it or not, you talk to yourself! Your self talk is an extension of your beliefs and thoughts.
Do you find yourself more times than not stating that you “can’t” as it relates to steps connected to achieving your goal? Here are some examples of negative self talk.
Disqualifying language
Words or phrases that we say to and about ourselves that suggests that we are ineligible or unfit for something. Disqualifying language is dismissive of your worthiness.
e.g. This is really all I deserve.
Defensive language
Words or phrases that we say to protect ourselves even when we are not being threatened.
e.g. Why is everyone judging me because I do _______. People should just leave me, be.
Doubt
Words or phrases that lack confidence in yourself, your skills/abilities.
e.g. It's highly unlikely that I could ever kick this habit.
Debilitative language
Words or phrases that we say to and about ourselves that harps on our inabilities and/or weaknesses. Debilitating self talk causes us to get stuck in ways similar to being threatened and freezing.
e.g. I'm not strong like (insert name of someone else), this is too hard.
Deflated language
Words or phrases that we say to and about ourselves that lacks confidence or optimism. If your self talk is deflated, you are likely to ruminate or focus on all that’s not working rather than looking for good.
e.g. I've been like this for so long, there is no hope.
Deficient language
Words or phrases that we say to and about ourselves that suggest we are not enough.
e.g. This is just me, I can't ever do better (more).
the question this week:
Which theme is characteristic of your self talk? How have these kept you stuck in unhealthy cycles?
Now, bring the goal to mind and think about what you have said about or to yourself about it. Has it been positive or is it more heavily on the negative. If negative, then you are less likely to achieve the goal because your mind is so important to goal attainment.
“For as he thinks within himself, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7 (TPT) #drgiasays #Jesusplustherapy #goalsetting #intentionalliving #digdeeper
Breaking cycles: my belief systems (part one)
My philosophical approach in therapy is heavily guided by the tenets of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). When we sit, we talk about symptoms... feelings and behaviors that bring you to counseling but if you stay long enough, we dig deep and look for the unhealthy ways of thinking that feed these feelings and behaviors. It’s not magical but it is tested and proven true. More importantly for me. It’s passed the test of being aligned with Godly principles.
I want you to bring to mind something you wanted a fresh start on. Where have you felt stuck in unhealthy cycles? What is something that you tend to do but have wanted to not do. Withdrawing, being too clingy, choosing the wrong kind of partner, relying too heavily on substances, overeating…
Now, in the spirit of of CBT and the strategy of Goal Setting, in replacement of all that is “wrong”, what would you actually WANT to do. Where is the place that you want to reside?
Now that you have that...some questions. Do you actually *think* you CAN actually do it? Is this goal new? Or something you’ve been thinking about or working toward before? Ultimately, you want your thoughts to be focused on the positives.
In this first week where we are looking more deeply on how to break cycles…the guiding question is
Have you considered… how your thoughts impact your likelihood to achieve the goal you brought to mind?
Consider the following:
Beliefs about yourself
Eg this isn’t my kinda thing (self defeating)
Beliefs about the goal
Eg it’s not that big of a deal or it’s too big of a deal
Others’ rating or opinions of you
Eg. No one actually thinks I can do this anyway
Others’ rating or opinions of your goal
Eg. No one was really excited about the idea. Maybe it’s not actually important (or a good idea).
Ownership: Is this goal something you really want for yourself or did you adopt this with no conviction.
Eg everyone always says I would be good at this or I should do this. If I’m honest, I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Which of those thoughts have you been entertaining and inadvertently keeping you from achieving your goal?
You want to remember, that for a goal to stick, for it to be sustainable, it must belong to you. You must be convicted toward the action or goal. I encourage clients all the time to make decisions based on their values and not the opinions of others. It’s a lesson that I have been learning with every year that passes. When you own it, when you are convinced and convicted, you are better equipped mentally to do the work required to achieve the goal.
In your journal, consider the goal and whether any of these unhealthy or faulty belief patterns may be undermining it. Identify it and then challenge it with truth or replace it. If you find that the goal isn’t truly something you desire, then reconsider what exactly is it that you want. Ultimately, you want to frame in the positive. Not focusing on the deficits but what you will be adding.
For example, if you are tired of the unhealthy way that you abandon something (or relationships) because of a fear of failure/rejection, then you are framing your goal with what you WILL do and not what you won’t do. You want to entertain thoughts that are good, uplifting and empowering.
“So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God,[a] praising him always.” (Philippians 4:8 TPT)
Shalom,
Dr Gia
Hope through the Diagnosis: PCOS #2
Recovery is a Beautiful and Painful Process
I have been overwhelmed by the encouragement and love and stories, thank you all!
I didn’t anticipate, truthfully, didn’t think about the reaction. I wrote this blog in its totality, otherwise I don’t know if I would’ve been able to share part 2 so honestly, knowing it would be public.
But, emotional trauma affects who we are as adults and shapes our decisions and our lives. This part of the story is intimate and I pray it brings healing to someone.
Am I worthy of love?
In my culture (Guyanese part), my not being married and having kids early is an abomination. A woman’s job is just that. *insert face palm*
While it took until my late twenties to figure out a career, I knew as a child that I wanted to be a mother when I grew up.
So this notion of whether or not I could be a mother - and the heartbreak of that potential reality caused me to be rebellious and careless. I was careless with my heart and my body. I didn’t know the value I carried. No one reinforced that to me post surgery. I truthfully didn’t know that I needed it and I don’t have blame for anyone.
(There is no handbook for life for parents, siblings, family, or friends. We are all winging it and that fact alone should give us all grace toward each other).
As I made poor relationship decisions, God used the years of self-disrespect to chase me down when I was in a broken and fragile state. Through my parents, God loved on me when I felt unlovable and not worthy in a tangible way. It changed my life.
But it wasn’t easy.
My best explanation is that it is like wiping your mind - your very being and all you know - and starting over from scratch.
Here’s a snippet of my process. Note that this is where Dr Gia can help you with practical steps, as I am just storytelling:
· Changing mindset - I moved to the US to live with my parents for six months before graduate school. I deleted my social media. I, for the first time since high school, pulled out a Bible. I worked on managing my thoughts and filtered what I put into my mind (tv, music, books etc).
· Changing environment - living with my parents took me away from the temptations of Nassau. I am fortunate to have somewhere to go. But for you or someone else, this could mean getting an apartment, going back to school or taking a job opportunity on another island or country.
· Changing company - this was gradual and took a few years but I completely changed my group of friends, where I hung out and what events I went to.I am fortunate now to have a group of friends who I can do life with.
· Intentional action - For example, I remember trying to hear God and one of the first things was to give. Give some coupons or money to a stranger. This was teaching me obedience and faith in small things so I would have the same trust in the big situations.
My biggest lesson - God’s love is a verb. I am created with purpose, to give Him glory and He will never leave me. This is a deep rooted belief that allows me to trust Him blindly. To move when it doesn’t make sense to everyone else and to keep serving. This teaching was life-changing at that time: Judah Smith at Passion 2015.
Now to forgiveness.
This process of learning my value started in 2010. I needed to go through all of the above first, for this next step. In 2015, I turned 29 and I was struggling with fear.
I knew because I was not speaking up in little things - for example I was scared to ask my boss for vacation. Plus a long relationship had just ended and while I knew it needed to I was scared I wouldn’t find anyone else because I was getting “old”.
Thankfully a friend connected me to Dr Susan Wallace in Freeport. She wanted to get to the root of the fear - usually rooted in unforgiveness. In our session, I realized that I was still angry at my ninth grade PE teacher that made us do the boot camp where a few days later came the extreme pain that led to surgery.
While I don’t know if it’s tied, I always thought it was. I don’t remember her name but I remember her face and she was pregnant at the time. Before I knew it, I was sharing how this woman took away my ability to have a baby (complete lie I held on to) so she should lose hers (yup real deep here people)!
That thought was deep down in me for almost 20 years. I never thought about this woman in passing. But there it was - paralyzing me as the clock ticked on. We prayed through forgiving her right there.
Life is a Journey, Keep Moving Forward
We can’t want a different life but keep making the same choices. The few years that I have put into me were difficult and at times lonely, but were a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of life.
Whatever your emotional trauma is, you can live a different life, you can find peace. I am proof.
I want to encourage you to continue on the journey forward. Write down affirmations about who God says you are and reinforce them to yourself daily. Don’t be afraid to do things that are “not normally you”. If God is leading you, you will have a peace even if you can’t see the next step, so take the leap. It’s worth it.
For the beautiful, brave women battling PCOS and suffering in silence: remain hopeful. One miracle present throughout the Bible is God’s ability to open wombs. Here are some thoughts on how you can take your life back:
Journal all your symptoms, how they relate to foods you are eating and to stress.
Know your mind. What are your normal moods and reactions? So then you can pinpoint anger or depression and address it early.
You can control your diet. If you can master this you will see significant progress with symptoms. I recommend The South Beach Diet or Whole 30. If you need support, visit Health Coach, Melissa Major at Solomon’s Fresh Market.
Exercise, even if it’s just 30 minutes of walking or yoga. One of the best seems to be HIIT (high intensity interval training). You can do this at home.
Do the blood work necessary to check your mineral levels (magnesium, vitamin D, etc) and to check your thyroid with an endocrinologist. Insurance typically doesn’t cover these.
While I haven’t tried this system, it seems to be successful based on the testimonies. Please do your own research.
As Pastor Rosmery Bethel so beautifully said recently, “your body is designed to carry your destiny and purpose.” God has not forgotten you.
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Amanda’s Bio:
Amanda is Co-Founder of Stories of Hope. She works in institutional philanthropy, has a heart for God and is passionately fulfilling her purpose.
Email: amanda@ourstoriesofhope.org
Stories of Hope is a non-profit with a mission to bring awareness, inspire hope and educate people about emotional well-being.
Finding Hope Through the Diagnosis: PCOS
Amanda’s Story
Finding Hope Through the Diagnosis: PCOS
Twenty years...
September 2018 marks 20 years since my surgery.
I was 12.
The emergency operation removed an ovary and fallopian tube and my appendix for good measure. It was because of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).
It has changed the terms of my life in so many ways - emotionally and physically. If I am being honest, it’s still dictating my life. Still being honest....I am just coming to peace with it. (Like while writing this...)
The Long and Short of It
In September 1998, I woke up one morning with excruciating pelvic pain.
lived in Treasure Cay, Abaco then, and the local doctor could only see from the blood tests, that my white blood count was elevated. Without the necessary infrastructure and equipment, I had to be flown to Nassau.
My dad and I arrived at Doctor’s Hospital where they ran more tests, did an ultrasound, and admitted me for exploratory surgery (laparoscopy). Looking back I can see God’s divine intervention in so many ways. My surgery was scheduled for 12 noon but was moved up to 6am at the last minute.
A life saving move.
It turns out the cyst had caused my ovary to flip (torsion) and it was dead. It also burst my fallopian tube. I had been bleeding internally for 3 days and it was about to turn toxic.
If they had waited until 12 noon for the surgery, I wouldn’t be alive.
In the same go, my dad asked for my appendix to be removed. He didn’t want to go through this again. The scene inside had also made the doctors over cautious and they wanted to remove both ovaries just in case, but he didn’t consent. He knew I wanted to be a mom one day (thankful everyday for his wisdom then).
The official diagnosis of PCOS came at 17. The doctor’s only solution at the time was to, “Have a baby early.” That was the last time I saw that doctor.
From ages 12 - 32 (now) the after effects still linger. No one quite prepares you for recovery. Physically or emotionally.
Teenage years were filled with scares of there being more cysts, birth control pills that didn’t work, emotional trauma that went unnoticed, along with anger. Mostly toward God and myself. Adulthood has been filled with healing, learning and finding joy (which is not as easy as it sounds here).
Snapshot of the Aftermath
Emotionally the trauma ran deep -
1. I held on to the hurt and yes, wanted revenge against the new ninth grade PE teacher who made us do a boot camp session. I got the the pain a couple days later. I just forgave her three years ago - when a bout of fear of approaching 30 - not married - no kids - had me mentally paralyzed. (Grateful to Dr Susan Wallace in Freeport, a true general in the Kingdom and a deliverer).
2. I struggled with finding my value. Who was I as a woman, with the possibility of not having kids? Did that make me less of a woman? Who would want me? Why did this happen to me? I didn’t choose this? This manifested into poor choices in men - whole other story there. (Thank God for Jesus)
3. I struggle (seriously still today) with the frustration of managing my health and not quite having the right mix of medication, exercise, food, supplements and miracle. It is trial and error and though I am two decades in, I still haven’t figured it out. It sucks. And in the weak moments I question why God trusted me with this battle.
And then the physical side (ugh)
I write this because this year has been filled with health challenges.
The surgery cut through my core, that led to some back issues, especially prevalent in the past five years. I am now eating only veggies and seafood / fish thanks to some serious digestive issues. And while it took a long time to make the full switch, truthfully I am loving it (thanks Cleo Mediterranean for amazing brussel sprouts).
I have had a range of issues from hair falling out and early grays, to a serious magnesium deficiency that affected my nerves (all healed up now). When I turned 32 this past April, I didn’t get to think about what I wanted this year to look like because I was ill. I write this now with a pain in my left pelvis, which thankfully is not a cyst (I went to the doctor this morning).
I take magnesium and Vitamin D supplements, fish oil and a good multi-vitamin. I am gluten free, carb free, sugar free, dairy free (don’t mind my occasional chocolate cake, a girls gotta live sometimes). And I am praying that next year doesn’t take me to raw vegan *face palm*. Even still, the weight hasn’t come off and I am at Baha Retreat every two weeks for sugaring unwanted hair.
The hormonal imbalance also affects my mind and I battle on and off bouts of depression, fatigue and general apathy for life.
I was fortunate on this journey to encounter two amazing doctors in the US (Dr. James Joyner and Dr. Michael Freeman). Through them I was prescribed Metformin, when it was still experimental for PCOS, which has helped me significantly. And yes, I was sick every week for at least a year, and yes, there are many side effects but for me it works.
Freedom in Sharing
The point of Stories of Hope is to share stories so that the collective “we” know that we are not alone.
We are not alone in life. It truly is community.
When Gia and I were creating Stories of Hope, someone I was meeting with shared that their family member had just had their ovary removed for PCOS - it awoke a deeply buried part of me. I hadn’t shared that part of my story for such a long time. I was living in denial. At that point I hadn’t googled PCOS or looked up new treatments in years.
It was a catalyst to check myself and my health again and face it head on. And also, to write this post, and accept that this is my story and maybe it can help someone.
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Coming Up:
Part Two: Recovery is a Beautiful and Painful Process
Amanda’s Bio:
Amanda is Co-Founder of Stories of Hope. She works in institutional philanthropy, has a heart for God and is passionately fulfilling her purpose.
