Breaking Cycles: my habits (part 4)

Week 4! we made it.

In case you are new to this series, we #digdeeper and explore the thoughts, beliefs, language and behaviors that keep us stuck in cycles.

We first identified the cycle we want to break, and then identified who we want to be (rather than focusing on what we don't want). Now that the goal was set, we then took a look inward, identifying unhealthy beliefs, thoughts and self talk that were undermining our efforts to move toward the desired behavior.  Last week, we adopted new language and began making declarations over ourselves and the situations that were positive and enabling (vs negative and disabling declarations). 

Finally, this week we will look closely at the unhealthy coping behaviors and habits with a goal to identify new, healthier ways of behaving.

Adopting new behavior is hard -in part because of those belief systems, the language and self talk that support the beliefs and also because of the actual behaviors that have become our way of living, our comfort zone. Habits.

I've highlighted three major areas for you to examine: people, places and things. An easy way to populate this list...ask yourself what triggers you, causing you setbacks on your movement toward the desired goals? This list is important because our behaviors, habits...coping is usually in response to these things.

 People (who are regulars in your life)

Are there certain people associated with the habit you want to break? For example, you only do this or are more likely to do this when you are with a person or certain group. If yes, then consider distancing yourself in meaningful ways.

Places (you often visit or spend extended periods of time at)

Do you find yourself longing for the thing you’ve given up when you’re in certain environments? Again, to break the cycle, you’re going to need to be intentional about spending too much, if any time in these spaces.

Things (you do or possess)

What else triggers you to return to the behaviors you

are looking to change? Types of TV shows, music,etc

Once you've made that list, now consider how you can be intentional about minimizing interactions with the people or visits to these places.  In some instances, this is easy, but there are some scenarios where this is harder. The other side of this coin is not just cutting out these people, places and things but also to identify the replacements. Without replacements, you run the risk of reverting to the same people, places and things that are unhealthy.

If you find you are getting stuck with how to move forward with new behaviors, this may be a great point to identify a mental health professional to help support your journey (if you haven't already). #drgiasays #Jesusplustherapy #intentionalliving #cbt #innerhealing

Breaking Cycles: my self talk (part 2)

If you missed last week, please scroll down for the two posts and review. 

It is time for your journal again!

recap:

Step 1: identify the thing (behavior, thought pattern) that you find yourself struggling with. What personal cycle do you want to break!

Step 2: reframe that "thing" from Step 1 into a goal. That is, what do you want to see, experience and do in your life? E.g. instead of withdrawing and becoming timid when faced with uncomfortable circumstances, I want to be assertive and use my voice.

Step 3: the inner work. You should have identified the negative and limiting thoughts and beliefs that kept you in the undesirable cycles. 

Now, in this installment, Step 4 essentially is to continue to explore how an unhealthy core belief is manifesting in our self talk. 

Self Talk by definition refers to our internal conversations. Yes, whether you admit it or not, you talk to yourself! Your self talk is an extension of your beliefs and thoughts. 

 Do you find yourself more times than not stating that you “can’t” as it relates to steps connected to achieving your goal? Here are some examples of negative self talk.

 Disqualifying language

Words or phrases that we say to and about ourselves that suggests that we are ineligible or unfit for something. Disqualifying language is dismissive of your worthiness.

e.g. This is really all I deserve.

Defensive language

Words or phrases that we say to protect ourselves even when we are not being threatened.

e.g. Why is everyone judging me because I do _______. People should just leave me, be.

Doubt

Words or phrases that lack confidence in yourself, your skills/abilities.

e.g. It's highly unlikely that I could ever kick this habit.

Debilitative language

Words or phrases that we say to and about ourselves that harps on our inabilities and/or weaknesses. Debilitating self talk causes us to get stuck in ways similar to being threatened and freezing.

e.g. I'm not strong like (insert name of someone else), this is too hard.

Deflated language

Words or phrases that we say to and about ourselves that lacks confidence or optimism. If your self talk is deflated, you are likely to ruminate or focus on all that’s not working rather than looking for good.

e.g. I've been like this for so long, there is no hope.

Deficient language

Words or phrases that we say to and about ourselves that suggest we are not enough.

e.g. This is just me, I can't ever do better (more).

the question this week:

Which theme is characteristic of your self talk? How have these kept you stuck in unhealthy cycles?

Now, bring the goal to mind and think about what you have said about or to yourself about it. Has it been positive or is it more heavily on the negative. If negative, then you are less likely to achieve the goal because your mind is so important to goal attainment.

“For as he thinks within himself, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7 (TPT) #drgiasays #Jesusplustherapy #goalsetting #intentionalliving #digdeeper 

Breaking cycles: my belief systems (part one)

My philosophical approach in therapy is heavily guided by the tenets of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). When we sit, we talk about symptoms... feelings and behaviors that bring you to counseling but if you stay long enough, we dig deep and look for the unhealthy ways of thinking that feed these feelings and behaviors. It’s not magical but it is tested and proven true. More importantly for me. It’s passed the test of being aligned with Godly principles.

I want you to bring to mind something you wanted a fresh start on. Where have you felt stuck in unhealthy cycles? What is something that you tend to do but have wanted to not do.  Withdrawing, being too clingy, choosing the wrong kind of partner, relying too heavily on substances, overeating…

Now, in the spirit of of CBT and the strategy of Goal Setting, in replacement of all that is “wrong”, what would you actually WANT to do.  Where is the place that you want to reside?

Now that you have that...some questions. Do you actually *think* you CAN actually do it? Is this goal new? Or something you’ve been thinking about or working toward before? Ultimately, you want your thoughts to be focused on the positives.

In this first week where we are looking more deeply on how to break cycles…the guiding question is

Have you considered… how your thoughts impact your likelihood to achieve the goal you brought to mind?

Consider the following:

Beliefs about yourself

Eg this isn’t my kinda thing (self defeating)

Beliefs about the goal

Eg it’s not that big of a deal or it’s too big of a deal

Others’ rating or opinions of you

Eg. No one actually thinks I can do this anyway

Others’ rating or opinions of your goal

Eg. No one was really excited about the idea. Maybe it’s not actually important (or a good idea).

Ownership: Is this goal something you really want for yourself or did you adopt this with no conviction.

Eg everyone always says I would be good at this or I should do this. If I’m honest, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Which of those thoughts have you been entertaining and inadvertently keeping you from achieving your goal?

You want to remember, that for a goal to stick, for it to be sustainable, it must belong to you. You must be convicted toward the action or goal. I encourage clients all the time to make decisions based on their values and not the opinions of others. It’s a lesson that I have been learning with every year that passes. When you own it, when you are convinced and convicted, you are better equipped mentally to do the work required to achieve the goal.

In your journal, consider the goal and whether any of these unhealthy or faulty belief patterns may be undermining it. Identify it and then challenge it with truth or replace it. If you find that the goal isn’t truly something you desire, then reconsider what exactly is it that you want. Ultimately, you want to frame in the positive. Not focusing on the deficits but what you will be adding.

For example, if you are tired of the unhealthy way that you abandon something (or relationships) because of a fear of failure/rejection, then you are framing your goal with what you WILL do and not what you won’t do. You want to entertain thoughts that are good, uplifting and empowering.

“So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God,[a] praising him always.” (Philippians 4:8 TPT) 

Shalom,

Dr Gia